A reintroduction is in order. There are a lot of things I identify as, demisexual, panromantic, and polyamorous. When it came to gender, Female was what I used, but it never felt right. But language changes, people grow, and things change. It allowed me to finally find the correct word. Demigirl. I am a demigirl.
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Demigirl falls under the umbrella of demigender. Non-binary gender identities that have a partial connection to a certain gender.
A demigirl is someone who only partially (not wholly) identifies as a girl or woman, whatever their assigned gender at birth. They may or may not identify as another gender in addition to feeling partially a girl or woman. May also use the terms demigal, demifemale or demiwoman.
Alternatively, demigirl can be used to describe someone assigned female at birth who feels but the barest association with that identification, though not a significant enough dissociation to create real physical discomfort or dysphoria, or someone assigned male at birth who is trans feminine but not wholly binary-identified, so that they feel more strongly associated with “female” than “male,” socially or physically, but not strongly enough to justify an absolute self-identification as “woman”.
Something clicked in my mind, heart, and soul. I remember leaning over, telling the first loved one in my life. As I read the words above, it felt right.
“I think this is me.”
It was my cat. He licked my nose and I happily cried. While I wasn’t ready to come out, I had found the words. Choosing to explore how I felt about it for a year and a day. Taking time to sort out my feelings, to see if it felt right.
Language Is Important
When I was younger, I often got called a tomboy. The word always used in a negative fashion, often to scold me for not being feminine enough. Though it took me quite some time to realize that it was negative. When they called me that, it felt right-ish. I didn’t feel like a girl. I enjoyed being feminine at times in how I presented. But words like girl, female and woman never felt like they fit. They always felt like a sock that was constantly slipping off my foot in my shoe.
So I tried to own the negative word. Happily declaring being a tomboy in hopes it would start to feel right. From about the age of 12 to 18, it maybe did. But once I started out into the world of adulthood. I stopped. Feeling that it was almost childish to keep trying. I stopped thinking about it, though the feeling still gnawed at me.
From my twenties to my thirties, I tried to ignore it. Too much was going on in that time for me to explore something I couldn’t pin down yet. It really wasn’t until Non-Binary started to become the term that was used around me. When I started leaning towards it. My past suddenly peering out from behind me, pushing me to start exploring. I had a star
Finding the Right Fit
While I started feeling things out, I was quiet about it. Searches here and there. So much reading. Others stories, definitions, and just anything I could get my hands on. It wasn’t a thing I talked about, too scared to reach out to others yet. But I knew I was on the right track.
It took a lot of introspection and thinking inwards at that point. A few times just allowing myself to look as inwards as I could. It had me searching my past again. If younger me had these words, she would have used them. I never felt female, but I also never felt fully male either. Half. Some. But not full. Demigirl was perfect. I finally found something that fit. It allowed me to feel proud again about my gender, not like I was hiding.
Coming Out, Sort of
At this point, I have come out to my closest friends and my chosen family. All of whom have been supportive and welcoming. Now I am coming out too well, my readers and the sex blogging world. The only people who I have not spoken to are my blood-related family. I plan to speak with them in person when they visit. They are not readers of my blog, though they know of it. So I know they will not be suddenly surprised. So at this time, I am owning it. I am also not coming out to my current job.
They/There are pronouns that I am going by, though I am also comfortable with She/Her for the time being. I am not sure if I ever see myself dropping them. But things happen and one day that might happen. For now, this is me and I am starting to finally feel like myself. Something I have always wanted to feel. It may have taken me over 30 years to find it. But I am glad that I have.