My last few years with gender have been, a rollercoaster of discovery. It started with small steps before I came out as demigendered. I tested the waters with pronouns and how I felt. Finally settling happily with She/They for a lot of different reasons. I was lucky to have the safe spaces I did to test those waters. From there it was discovered that while I don’t identify as female, femme is something I always will be. That being able to be open about being nonbinary, allowed me to be comfortable exploring femme at all. I have always been open about my sexuality. Though it was only recently that I had settled into being Demisexual.
But some things lingered.
While I was going through these feelings one thing loomed in my mind. Wondering would my life be any different if I had been able to figure this out sooner? Sometimes even having to navigate if I even had a right to identify this way because of how old I was. It was a sticking point in my mind. That really they are choices I should have made in my 20s instead of my 30s. That it was too late for me to be making these choices.
That was the hardest hurdle to get over honestly. It still is in some ways. When recent things in politics happened, removing transgender protection rights regarding discrimination. There was a panic in my mind. Scared that I would have to go back to making sure my medical information didn’t mention being non-binary. I am lucky right now to have a doctor I feel like I can trust. But that didn’t mean I always would.
But what if I had to change? I heard people in my life who spoke down about non-binary people ‘chasing trends’ and just doing it for attention. I knew it could happen. However, I had never felt more comfortable in my skin. I could pass for cis, but I am not. These days being referenced as a lady or woman makes my skin crawl. I did not want to go back to it. Being able to have this was a freedom I wished I could go back and give my younger self. I fought so hard to get to this point with myself that I wasn’t going to go backward.
Healing my past with what I choose in my present
So instead, I made the promise to myself. That I would live the life I needed to give my younger self. The parts of me that are still healing. They didn’t get to experience Pride in the ways I am getting to. Still unsure where they fit. Not even certain at the time of her own bisexuality. So for her and the parts of me that still waver. I am setting down affermations for myself to help healing.
- She/Her/They/Theirs are my pronouns because its what fits. I am still Nonbinary.
- Continuing to define myself in the ways that bring me joy because I deserve it.
- I am allowed to adapt and change, nothing is finite. Everything is fluid.
- It is never to late to find yourself and it is never too late to find joy in who you are.
- My Pride in me is enough.
These are the lessons I am taking away this Pride month. That no one can take who I am away from me. It is not just an identity, it is me and that is all it needs to be.