First, I just want to say, please pardon the dust here and any mistakes that might be made. Not only am I writing this straight from my WordPress publisher, this post has been in no way looked over by the housemate who does editing for me. This is mostly because every time I have lingered too long in Google Docs, I get worried about writing it. This post is not going to be optimized for SEO, the banner made quickly because I needed something, and just my full honesty of where things are right now.
Trigger Warning: This post contains talk about cancer, the pandemic, stress, body issues, mental health issues, and eating disorders
As no doubt my readers who are still here have noticed, 2023 was a very low traffic time for this blog. I only got a handful of reviews and articles up, which all came with huge swaths of time in between. At first, I was sure it was writer’s block which truthfully, part of it is. However, it soon became far more than that, as I lost a lot of my gumption for actually testing items. Which was not the fault of the items I have still left in my queue to review. This all came down to myself and my libido. Even after a change in medication, it has been really tough to keep a grip on enough that I can review items. Sure, I could just push myself through it and force myself to use the toys. But I would not have been able to truly gauge if they were good or not that way, because unless it’s for a scene, forced pleasure is not fun. There are chances that it turns into frustration trying to chase the good feelings down and never being able to reach them. And that just seemed unfair to the toys I have to review and the stores/companies that I am reviewing them for. They would not be honest, and I just could not put that out into the world.
The loss of libido is not only at the hands of my medication, but my own brain as well. Stress has been getting the best of me lately. From the larger things like the state of our very world to the much smaller ones located at home like the health of my girlfriend. A while back, she got a cancer diagnosis and that has been just terrifying alongside the pandemic. We’ve gotten Covid in our house three times now, each time she is the most miserable of us all, and each time I am just a touch more scared that it is going to get worse. When it comes to doing anything outside the house, I can count how many times that happened on one hand last year. And each time came with the lingering, nagging worry that I might bring something back.
Yet at the same time, not going out has taken a toll on my social abilities as well, that is frustrating to say the least. I feel like I have nothing to really talk about. I am only in the one relationship right now, I am not seeing people, I am not going out to events, and I’ve got one friend with benefits that is a rare occurrence due to both of our collective stress. There is just not a lot going on in my life right now to warrant a minimum of 750 words for a post.
It is also dragged down by intense body issues. I can barely look at pictures or videos of myself without wanting to cry. There have been numerous times last year when I wanted to post a selfie, but after taking it and nearly getting it up my brain finds something wrong, so I back peddle never to do it. When it comes to one of my other jobs, I quite literally have to force myself some days to get my content made and try to do so with very little focus on it. Which I am sure has caused a huge lack in like quality, but that is beside the point right now.
The body issues, the body hate, it all comes back around to the libido issues because I don’t feel like I deserve to feel good if I look this bad. Which is fucked up. Super fucked up. Talking with my therapist frequently about it for the last few months kind of fucked up. I am working on it, but this is something that is going to be a struggle to crawl my way out of. Because it has tried to drag old things out of me, like past eating disorder habits and general self harm via food in general. It is just not great, and again it makes it hard for me to want to find pleasure for myself. Not just sexual, but the smaller things that I enjoy as well, it has hit me very hard. I absolutely hate it.
So, for all of you that made it this far, what is going to happen now? I’ve given in a long thought, I’ve discussed it over and over with my therapist, I’ve journaled about it, and I’ve laid awake unable to sleep because of it. Witch of the Wands, as a blog, will still be continuing to stay up. My focus for a little bit is going to be the issues I am dealing with when it comes to pleasure and sex. It is going to be what I am doing to combat it and what I am doing to keep my head above water. Will the reviews still be there? Yes, my old reviews are staying up, and I am going to work on the new ones as I am able. Just recently, something popped up that might be able to tackle my sex drive even a little, and I am going to try to use it to my advantage. And write about it as well, regardless of the results. I have my fingers crossed, so we will see.
This year is going to get very real, very personal, and very honest. I hope people do stick around to read. Maybe you might learn something to help you, or just know that you aren’t alone in this world that seems to be burning down around us. It’s really all I have ever wanted to do with this blog, and perhaps this is the best time to start doing it.
For those of you that made it through this whole thing. Thank you. Even if I might not know that you have, it still means just a lot to me. It has always been hard for to be this open and exposed (#JustScorpioThings) on the internet. So I am way out of my comfort zone. We just have to do that sometimes in order to find it again.