Self-Care After Ending a BDSM Dynamic

Self-Care After Ending a BDSM Dynamic

It has been a few months since I wrote anything that was not a review. I am sure at least a few of my readers have noticed. But I have been focused on self-care you see. The new year brought a lot of big and hard things to my life. The big one being the break of my long-term power dynamic. Combined with everything else that was dragging me down, I took a huge blow to my emotional and mental health. It pushed me to take a huge step back and really focus on myself because what I needed in that moment more than anything was my own support. After being in a long-term 24/7 dynamic and then going to nothing… It took a lot out of me. 

However, I have found myself being able to think clearly on it now and really focus on myself. And I wanted to share my process of self-care, for others who might end up going through the same thing at some point. 

Also, while this is written from a Submissive’s point of view, these tips are still great for Doms and Tops as well. Self-care is universal.

Photo by ERIC ZHU on Unsplash

Let Yourself Feel

The moment the break really sunk in for me was when I was taking off my collar. I had worn it pretty much since the day I first put it on. For me, my collar was a symbol of comfort, of everything being as it should be. Taking it off upended so many of those feelings immediately, and suddenly I was drowning in feelings. Feelings that I just had to let myself process. Sadness, worry, anger, and even some fear were all things that I had to find my way to work through. And to be honest, this was the hardest part. Because there was such a strong part of me that didn’t want to be feeling these feelings. I wanted so badly to go back to how things used to be, but I knew I had to work through it and feel. 

In my case, it was also feeling the loss of particular rituals and things that I normally did. Seeing them be done by others when that used to be my thing. I had to work through those emotions and what attached me to those things so much. I had to create new rituals with myself, something I am still working on. Slowly and bit by bit, but it is a process. 

General Self-Care

While this seems like a no-brainer, self-care can be hard in this situation. Especially during the beginning of making the changes. But finding ways to be kind to yourself can help make the harder feelings pass easier. And helps you from falling into a further funk. Mine were all things that I was already doing while in the dynamic so I kept up with them even without it. Keeping up with water intake, meds, and other things all stayed in my self-care rotation. Slowly I started adding more as I could. But not just tasks, but things I knew I needed like take that long bath, watch that movie you’ve been meaning to watch, or just take a day off. 

My self-care also included, as a blogger, taking a step back from writing non-reviews. My own thoughts up until now had been very jumbled about a lot of things. But reviews I could handle because they had a set format to follow. It was a little less intensive on my brain and gave me a break to flesh my feelings out before going back to writing more in-depth posts. 

Journaling and Self-Care go hand in hand.

Journaling

This could be part of letting yourself feel because I found it to be one of my best outlets for processing the feelings I was having. Clear pages that I could just write out everything that was going on in my mind and heart. Be that doing so calmly and quietly, or just scribbling down the tangled threads that keep tying up my mind. It also gave me something to reflect back on when I needed to go touch base with those feelings again. Or when I had answers for myself to questions that I didn’t understand at the time and had to process through it. 

Journaling became a much-needed outlet, especially when I wasn’t writing here as much. The words I had at that time were just very raw and emotional. At times it made me cry while I wrote because it would draw out some of the rougher emotions to the surface. It helped me not bottle things up and just try to forget about it until it went away. I could remove anger with a few sentences because I just needed to get the upset words out. Journaling can do so much depending on how you choose to use it. 

Reading

I started doing a lot of reading. I think in the span of 48 hours, I scoured the D/s Breakup Index on the Submissive Guide site. I read articles by Mollena. Scoured various subReddits on closure. Even a number of blog posts by other bloggers such as Girly Juice and Sex and Silks. Reading helped bring another sense of closure to what I was feeling. It also reminded me that I am not the only one who has ever gone through this. The feeling of loneliness was fading because I knew I wasn’t alone at all. I was also introduced to the idea of self-collaring and started the journey to decide if that was right for me. But more on that in another post. 

A lot of what I read got tied back to journaling, what the articles made me feel. Or things that stuck out to me while I read. Taking notes upon notes. A whole bookmark file to reflect on or reference back the things that stood out to me the most later. 

Reading Tarot

For me, Tarot is a tool for grounding and reflection. It is one of the only types of witchcraft or divination that I do when I am leaning towards or happen to be in a depressive headspace. Using it at times as a way to lighten the load on my already weighed down heart and mind. So during this time after the break, I did find myself leaning towards it. Doing a reading when I felt like I just needed to literally check in with myself and my spirits. My favorite spread during this time to use as my own, Self Care Check-In Spread. I even got a reading done by Wendy of The Wench Works who helped me with some insight into the path that I was slowly working on going down to get to this very point. (Seriously, her readings are amazing. I highly recommend them.)

Once again, this all flowed back to my journals. I keep a separate one for readings, but I reference them in my writing journal often as well. 

In the end, a lot of self-care after a break/leaving/ending a dynamic all comes down to what feels right for you. Some of these things may work, while others may not. The best thing you can do is listen to your body and your emotions. They will tell you what they need to be able to process everything the best. For some, that could mean rest, or for others that could mean losing themselves in a project. Only you know how to take care of yourself. 

Have you taken a break from a dynamic or ended a dynamic? What helped you transition out of the mindset or eased your mind? Feel free to share more in the comments! 

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