Lately, I feel like the talk of Caregiver/Little dynamics has been on the rise. While I am no stranger to the dynamic, it is a hard one for me to read about. On the one hand, it is fully one of my kinks. Though on the other, it is a kink that I am trying to untangle from the trauma of my abuse. One that has been harder to heal from than just dominance as a whole. Due to the fact that a Cg/Little dynamic is very emotional, for me at the least. That side of myself is one that only gets to come out when I am comfortable.
What is Caregiver/Little
When I first found out about Caregiver/Little, it was through all places Tumblr about seven years ago. This was before it had taken of in what could be called a more “mainstream” fashion. My first introduction to it was through Daddy dom/Little Girl dynamic. It was and still is the most noted section of the community. While there are many good places to start learning about it, I do suggest Caregivers & Littles by Submissive Feminist.
Finding Safety in being Small
First finding that little space could be a thing, was actually wonderful for me. It gave me a headspace I could relax into. My days are often filled with a lot of adulting during my part-time job. So having that place to sort of taking some time for me was a dream. I could indulge in things that others would see as ‘childish’ without worry. It was not an all the time thing. However, I found the time little space gave me to recharge allowed me to have more ability to do the adult things I need to acommplish..
When I am in little space, I really am not that little. For me, it sits somewhere in the teens. Precocious, playful, and has a streak for ‘do it myself’. Which within the community would count me as a Big. There is still a lot of independence in my actions. It caused me to overthink a lot because I never quite fell into the younger ages. It took time realizing that my kind of ‘little’ is just as okay as others.
What’s In A Name
When you search for things about Caregiver/Little you will always get more hits with Daddy Dom/Little Girl. This was another thing I found conflicting. I have issues with the word Daddy. It is something that comes with, a lot of pain. My abuser broke so much of my trust. This has caused me to be unable to want to use it with another partner. Because even now the word holds too much to it. It is taking learning to separate my feelings towards the dynamic of the word.
On the other side of that, names like baby girl, princess, and other overly feminine nicknames never seemed to quite fit for me. This was even before I realized that I was anything other than cis female. Sir, however, has given me a nickname that he calls me that is all mine. As I am not the only person who has this kind of dynamic with him, it feels unique.
Finding It Again
Because this was another particular thing used against me by my abuser. It was a part of kinks that I had to step away from for so long. Reading about it or it, when it comes up in conversation, was a rough time. Sometimes I would be able to ignore it, other times I even so much as found myself disassociating. But the distance helped me slowly process through things, little steps now and then.
I have only just recently been able to even feel comfortable recognizing it as something that I prefer in my power dynamic with certain partners. Having someone who is Caregiver is something that helps me with anxiety and stress. What once was a trauma is now aiding me to heal the last bits. While I still have a long way to go, I know I am getting better which is enough for me.