Every night before I go to bed, I lay there with my eyes dozing on and off to the light of my phone. My fingers slipping over the screen as I write what comes to mind. I ramble on as I let the background thoughts flow into the chat box. Once those thoughts stop moving so quickly I know that I can finally rest. Sending off my good nights before finally attempting sleep.
The person who gets those late night rambles being Sir. It is much like a daily journal for our power dynamic as it is a way to keep connected in our relationship. From just one simple part of my nightly routine has grown into something. Something worth sharing. It is an unconventional way of communication, but one that has made it easy for me to grow.
Before the Rambling
Sharing my emotions and feelings can be hard. Slowly taking down brick walls that built up during past relationships. When I first moved out with Sir, he had asked me to keep a journal which for a long time I did on my own. Though it was only my eyes that saw it. Not yet ready to let my thoughts be seen. Writing in the morning or when I could, it never fell into a routine for me. There was not much of an accountability other than to myself. So depending on what my mood was in, it sometimes when weeks without happening. My words not yet ready for other people to see as I worked out some of the most toxic venom left behind in my emotional system.
They weren’t yet words I could share with others. It was my own word vomit to a mind that needed to be self-soothed. While I still journal I found myself wanting to connect more with my partner. Once I started to find the words easier to share.
Not Quite a Journal
Privacy is a trust that has had a habit of being betrayed quite a bit in my past. My physical journals I keep under careful watch. Not because I believe the people in my life will use them, but because past hurts heal the slowest. Handing over a journal daily to Sir would have just made me anxious. Plus no one else can often read my half awake or rambling script. My before bed rambling allows for me to share these thoughts in a place that I can feel safe. In a way that I know will only be between myself and Sir.
Sometimes he will respond to the things I write. If I had a particularly anxious day or a nightmare I write about that I am afraid to have. I will wake to words of comfort. Should something I did during my day make him proud, words of praise. Nothing is better than those mornings when I get to wake up to a ‘good girl’ to get my day started. Other times it is just a way for him to know things on my mind.
Not Just Our Dynamic
The way the before bed rambles came about, started almost naturally. They seem to cross the bridge between our relationship and our dynamic. It allows me to sometimes let out emotions that I had been holding back all day. The mushy things I can hardly say out loud. There are nights when it is more like a to-do list, writing out the things that I want to achieve the next day. Sometimes I write about the things I am having trouble saying during the day, giving me a safe place to get the words out.
It has even allowed me to be able to communicate better during our day-to-day. The knowledge that I know I can talk to him about anything. Coaxing me out of a lot of insecure places caused by past relationships allowing for time to heal things. It has given our relationship a chance to also just grow in a very content pattern. Showing me that relationships don’t have to be a flash fire but a slow burn.1