Content Warning: Shaming of body and sexuality. Abusive relationships and language used during the relationship.
Through the years, the relationship that I have had with my body has been a rocky one. From my childhood until now, I have struggled with my weight and looks. It is only been recently that I have been taking the leap to really start to love my body. I started to think about where it started, how it affected me, and the changes I have been making to my own thinking when it comes to my most intimate relationship.
Growing up Fat
I was always the chubby kid, that is what I remembered. My mother hated it and it was nitpicked almost daily. I remember being dragged to diet groups with her as young as six. Being told that young that my body was already bad, was one of the first things that broke me. I started hiding in what I wore as early as ten. That was because due to my size I was already growing breasts. It was frowned upon dressing too feminine or showing off my body like the other girls. It wasn’t until high school however that I really understood that I was being both shamed and sexualized at the same time. My self-esteem was a roller coaster, never quite staying level for long.
Being in Relationships
When I started to date the first partner I would ever have, it was amazing to me. He was a sweet guy I met in a club. He was on the swim team. I was head over heels. I will never forget hearing another student scoff behind me when he kissed me in front of my locker one day.
“How can he be with someone so fat?”
A week later, he dumped me.1
It was then that I know I started to believe that I was lucky to have whatever relationship I could get. That my weight would always hold me back from being with people that I thought I was not good enough for. That when I could get attention, take it. Because any attention was better than rejection. Because my body type wasn’t meant to be loved. On the other side of that coin, sex I learned was the way to get the attention that was close to positive. Even with the negative sides. If I put myself out there. I would have fewer worries. Got to love more shaming and being sexualized at the same time.
It grew worse in one of my past relationships, being told often that I was lucky to have him. That only he could love me because of my size. That if I lost weight he would lose me and he couldn’t have that. My body used as a tool to hurt me even more. Another thing to unlearn as I realize that my partners do love me, but it is not my body alone they love. That if my body changes, they will still love me because I am the same person.
Sex While Fat
Now I love sex, its fun and something I always have enjoyed with a good amount of my past and current partners. But there was more conflict. Positions that I could be in. What I could wear. What was expected of me. All based on my weight.
- Bigger people don’t get to ride their partners
- Lingerie is wasted on bigger people
- Plus sized women are better at giving blow jobs because they are desperate2
- That I was lucky if someone wanted to see me naked
The list goes on, but those are the biggest culprits in my mind. They caused me to miss out on pleasure. It has made me anxious about sex even today. While I eventually became more comfortable with long-term partners, it makes casual flings almost impossible. I always felt like my body shape was holding me back from being taken seriously when it came to what I wanted during sex as well. That I should always cater to my partners wants. It was such toxic thinking.
Learning to Love Again
When I started to take my pleasure seriously, I also had to start taking myself seriously. There is beauty in my shape, but I had never seen it before. Taking the time to look in the mirror, taking the time to look at my pictures, and focusing on different parts of my body. That last part is the hardest one because it comes with seeing the flaws up close. But in those flaws, I have found things I love.
My chest might not be perky, but they are soft and look amazing in so many tops I wear. Hips and ass, they cannot be contained and neither can their awesomeness. My legs are strong and keep me standing when I otherwise may not think I can stand. Arms are thick, but I give some amazing hugs. Yes, my plump lips give an amazing blowjob just as well as they kiss. My stomach is soft and round, but it looks cute in everything I wear.
Are there days when I don’t have these thoughts, always. But the days between grow longer. Each day is a chance to find that love again. Every day is a chance to learn again what it is to enjoy my body. From my head to toe, there is so much of me to love and find pleasure in. I have so much to still unpack, but it is my relationship to sort out.